I love you, Dan, I miss you, Dan. I pray for you and think about you all the time. I wish you were here. I wish I could see and touch you, hug you and hear your laugh. You were my brother. You are my big brother. I know, I hope, you are in a better place now, that God has perfected you, that you shine now like you never could when you were here. Why? Why did you leave us, leave me? You shouldn’t have done that; it was hurtful and stupid. I hate what you did – you jerk! Pain, anxiety, fear, hurt, sorrow, sadness, is what I know, what I feel.
I need hope and joy. I need the resurrection. I want you. I want to take you into my arms and kiss your head and tell you it will be ok, you can be better, you don’t have to give up or hurt yourself, you don’t have to be afraid, you can be happy. You are so beautiful and smart and funny and sweet and compassionate. In a lot of ways I’ve always looked up to you because you are my big brother. I remember when you used to tuck me in every night. I loved you so much. You made me safe and strong.
I love how Toby loved you and looked up to you and how his eyes shined when he knew you were coming over, when he saw you, how he wanted to be like you!
I loved your laugh.
I love that you were a dancer and that it always showed in the way you walked and ran and stood and how you kicked and practiced Tae Kwon Do that night with Kenny. He loved you, too.
I wish I could undo it and bring you home. Father Mark says one day I will go home to you, to where you are. I have to trust in that, to remember that you are a light in the heavens shining so bright that, here on earth, I cannot look upon you, my sweet Dan, my brother, my big brother, my angel in heaven.
I love you and remember you and miss you always.
Just your Gilly.
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